Tears of a Clown


Today has turned out to be one of those days when you wish you could just get a do-over and stay in bed. It started innocently enough, but soon began to spiral out of control. I’m a sensitive person. This is my truth. Most of the time, I think of it as an asset. It allows me the ability to connect quickly with others, especially babies and animals. I’m sure my sensitivity even makes me a better writer. But at the end of days like today, I wish I had a tough shell.

I’m stressed to the max with more things to accomplish daily than I have hours to do them. I also got a nasty bout of allergy related asthma this week and that slowed me down. More importantly and harder to admit is that it is less than a month until my 30th birthday and I’m increasingly sensitive about not having someone special in my life. I try very hard to remind myself that I am loved by some amazing people and I have accomplished a lot of my dreams already, which feels like success…yet.

My class had a disruptive afternoon and I had to take away Fun Friday which made me feel like a super villain I would write about and then I went to help homework club and was unable to assist a group of fourth graders in long division. For some reason my brain wouldn’t work and I had no ability to help them. It felt like their was absolutely nothing I was capable of doing right today and that hung like a chain around my heart.

I also got a big fat slap in the face of reality today spelling out so clearly that the man I’ve been wanting to connect with is in fact very unavailable and I’m so confused about why I’m attracting these incredible men that I can’t have. I also was very hurt by a person who I know is so ridiculously insensitive – I’m not sure what I expected, however it shook me nonetheless.

I spoke to two of my best friends who did their best to remind me that I’m a worthwhile person, who someone will love eventually and that I shouldn’t compare myself to others because it only leaves me disappointed. We even came up with a proactive action plan to get me out and about and meeting some new people. But as soon as we hung up the phone that dread crept back up again.

THEN… I got into a huge fight with my mom!

I’m telling you – it’s been quite a day. Now I feel like a noodle that’s been rinsed in cold water, sitting limp in the colander. I know I will feel better tomorrow or the next day and in truth, I’m excited to enter my thirties. The idea of having a new decade on the horizon is more uplifting and exciting than devastating. But I sure am happy to see this day drawing to a close. I know in my heart that I will find an amazing human being to share my life with. I also know that I must have some things to attend to if I haven’t met him yet. I need to focus on having fun in the meantime and stop being SO hard on myself. It really is okay that I’m not married or pregnant. It will be okay if I’m not those things by this time next year either. Because even after an agonizing day like today, I know that someday I will be those things and it will be the perfect timing. Just because there’s lack in my life right now doesn’t discount all the great things that are present.

My eyes are swollen, tired and sore. I have more work to do, but it will have to wait.

Good. Night.

P.S. On a lighter note – I’ve been writing and playing the guitar this week, in little bursts, but those little bursts still count. So there :-]

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