A lot of my value has been wrapped up in being a strong and independent person. I have learned over the last couple of years to ask for help in some small ways, but when I am really struggling, I dig in and play the “I’m fine”card.
In a couple of days we will move into the second half of 2018. This year has already been a rollercoaster of wonderful blessings and life-altering changes. It has been challenging to hold both realities. These last couple of weeks have been especially tumultuous.
When I have felt like I couldn’t breathe from the grief, my tribe has risen to hold my heart and soothe me with texts, emails, phone calls and visits. I had to laugh as one friend ignored me all together and brought groceries, despite my protests. Just sitting together, laughing and talking brought me so much joy and light. Each check in eases my burden bit by bit.
This wasn’t the summer I had planned for in many ways, but I am doing my best to listen to what I’m receiving. I haven’t been able to be out in the world much, but I’ve had the time to go inward and process my own world and the worlds I am building in a handful of stories.
I’m also learning to let people in more and accept more help. It doesn’t make me less valuable to be vulnerable, despite how uncomfortable it can make me. I know it is just a by-product of my broken heart. I have faith that it’ll be even stronger after it heals.
I love to cook. This has always been the case, but it was very difficult to cook for one for many years. It took a while to figure it out. I also have two major food allergies that make it difficult to eat out and be satisfied. I can modify just about anything, but if I want it, I have to figure out how to make it happen in my own kitchen. This could have been very challenging, but it’s actually been a positive thing. I had to learn how to cook again and it has opened me up to another form of creativity.
I have been listening to podcasts recently as I cook dinner. One in particular has been incredibly juicy. Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic. Her book of the same title came into my life at a critical time and it has helped me dispel some of the myths I had held about myself and my ability to create. The most recent episode really hit me, as did the episode with Neil Gaiman. These podcasts have quite literally been food for my soul.
The podcast I listened to tonight spoke of many important things, but most importantly for my journey, was the concept of showing up before you’re ready. Knowing that you are never going to truly be ready, but here is the Universe offering you an invitation anyway. I cried as I sautated my Brussels sprouts, hearing my thoughts and feelings expressed through another woman’s voice. I think this is why I create. To find meaning and find myself in others. It helps me feel connected to something bigger than I am. It helps me makes sense of the world, when it is so often senseless.
My life has been topsy-turvy the last few months. I made a major change for my good, but I am not someone who handles change well. Even when it is what is best for me. Creative endeavors ground me. They lead me home and I discovered later than I care to admit, that when life feels overwhelming, the best thing I can do is create. I might never write the great American novel or headline Red Rocks (although I’m still working on making those things happen) but I can make dinner. I can take ingredients and use my magic to create something special and delicious. I am going to continue trying to find meaning. I’m going to start accepting that invitation.
I have been avoiding packing all day, but I can’t escape for long. My moving truck is confirmed and I have a handful of people planning to help so I better get myself in line.
I will be out of the loop for a bit while I finish putting my life into boxes and getting settled in my new home.
I’ll be back soon. Happy Labor Day.
The beginning of 2010 has been one of the craziest that I can remember. Between graduate school and an internship, moving, coaching and attempting to work as a substitute teacher as often as I can – I’m exhausted.
I love the school that I’m interning at. Ironically, Goldrick is the elementary school I would have attended if we had stayed downtown. I’m in a wonderful third grade class. I’m learning so much from the teacher and the students, but it’s been hard to juggle everything and keep sane.
That said, I’m finally feeling a little more settled this week and will be working out a new schedule so that won’t have to neglect my other passions – writing and music. I can’t recall the last time I sat down to write and I’m definitely feeling it. It’s so important for my soul and peace of mind. Even if it’s only a sentence. I HAVE TO WRITE EVERYDAY!!! My poor abandoned guitar! I’m feeling that pull again and need to give it my attention. I also need to set a goal for performing. A deadline always helps to keep me in line.
I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster of sorts. A bi-polar trapeze act of great advancement in some life areas and extreme lows in others. I’m in it and I’m trying to stay present and positive. I think the daily writing will help. This is an opportunity to change this habit of setting myself on the back burner once and for all. I don’t want to struggle any longer. Establishing better boundaries and managing MY time needs to become a priority.
I’m up to the challenge and I will check back in again soon.
P.S. I’m still receiving amazing TCC feedback and I’m so grateful for all the comments!
Thank you again~!
I’m just about to fall asleep on my laptop so I wanted to post quickly that I have been working on my resolutions and I haven’t posted them yet because I still have some more to add and think about. Whew, that was a long sentence and another indication that it’s time for me to go to bed!
I started my internship this week at an awesome elementary school and I’m super jazzed to be hanging out in the 3rd grade! We got slammed with snow today and it took me almost two hours to get home!!
So, time to go crawl under the covers and slip off to dreamland!
Only two days left before my new life as a master’s degree student begins. I’ve been a slug, but I needed some downtime to think and decompress. Speaking of thinking…I’ve been working on some personal and professional resolutions and I will post them later today or by tomorrow at the latest.
I saw Avatar on New Year’s Eve and I was very impressed. It is a fabulous story and unbelievably beautiful. It felt very inspiring to me!
I haven’t written in forever…substitute teaching and early morning hours have wrecked havoc on my blogging. I think after two weeks of extreme exhaustion, I’m finally getting accustomed to my new life as a traveling teacher!
I am, however, sorry that I have abandoned this blog!
My book launch is only a couple of weeks away and I still have a zillion things to accomplish. The binding press is finished. I’ll post pictures and a video of how it works soon! All the materials have been purchased and this week I have to get them off to the printer. Then I have to bind as many books as possible for the launch. I’m going to be one busy girl!!
I love the cover and the illustrations. The layout looks good. I can’t believe it’s almost here…
Today has been a weird day. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. I was thinking about my emotional theatrics today right before I started blogging and I realized why I’m extra emotional, but it sucks nonetheless.
I yelled at my brother for no reason. Well there was a reason, but that wasn’t what I originally yelled at him about. I didn’t apologize either. But we don’t always have to apologize when we have emotional breakdowns and the other sibling always seems to understand. I will apologize eventually, but it might get me crying again and it’s best to keep to myself at the moment.
On a happier note, I played with a wonderful one-year-old little girl this morning who smiles and my insides melt a bit. There is just something about babies. The way they hold onto your knees as they steady themselves. I’ve always loved little kids, but that love seems to get deeper as I age. I’m sure this sounds like a clock ticking and maybe it is. I just have some other things to focus on first.
I wrote a couple prologues for TCC this weekend and I am really pleased with one of them. I will run it by my trusted readers this coming week.
I also spent my wad on new comfy shoes for teaching. I wanted to get some Dansco’s, but I can’t afford any right now. These will do in the meantime.
And…I will be working on editing TCC the rest of the day. I also promise that I will sit down and write at least 500 words of The Lost. There it’s out in the universe and now I have to do it!
Yesterday, I had the day off. It didn’t really feel like a day off because I was running just about every minute. That said, I got a ton done for the book, which feels really good.
I now have a business bank account, merchant paypal account and I signed off on the brilliant cover that Sharon designed for me. I also paid a bunch of bills and bought the materials for the binding press. I’m having a hard time finding Plexiglass that is thick enough. I thought some local art stores might have some, but no luck.
Late last night, I saw Julie and Julia with my mom and dad. Is there anything that Meryl Streep cannot do? I mean seriously. And Stanley Tucci was divine. I laughed and cried with them. What a wonderful love they shared. It would be interesting to read the letters that Julie mentions in the film – I will have to find them and do that.
I have really been slacking on The Lost. I’m not stuck, but I’m in that spot just over half way through the first draft where I am being courted by another manuscript. The middle is a hard spot. And The Christmas Child is so close to release and I have so much to do…it’s just been too easy to ignore The Lost.
I have to commit to it again, even if I’m only writing 500 words a day. I just have to buckle down and do it. I can’t use my wonderfully chaotic life as an excuse. Note to self – writers must sit down to write…remember?
It’s strange and bittersweet to think about leaving the book store. I know I’ll be in and out, working part-time, but it won’t be the same as being here and having my hands in it everyday. I feel that it’s the right time to move on, but it’s always hard to leave.
I’m finally reading The Celestine Prophecy. I really like it so far. I believe that books pick us when it is the exact right time for us to read them. I’m excited to learn why this book picked me…more on that later!
It’s been a tough week and it’s only Wednesday! I think things are resolving, but still strained at work since I put in my notice on Monday. It makes me sad, but hopefully things will take a more positive spin by August 17th, when I leave.
I’m not someone who will put her head in the sand or be passive aggressive about my feelings. I like things out in the open, but confrontation’s still make my pulse race and not in a good way.
I also hate disappointing people. In some situations it’s unavoidable, but I still hate it. I prayed for the best resolution and this is what I was given, so I have to believe that I’m being led down the right path. Even if some people have hurt feelings because of it.
You can spend your life trying to please everyone or you can make conscious decisions to move your life forward and hope that people support you, but find a way to brush it off if they don’t.
I know that my time was not wasted the last year and a half. This was an important stop on my journey, but now it’s time to get back on the road.