Evolution

Welcome to the fallout. Welcome to resistance. The tension is here. The tension is here. Between who you are and who you could be. Between how it is and how it should be…Switchfoot

I recently went through some of the old CD’s in my car. Yes…I still listen to CD’s in the car, don’t judge! I found one from six or seven years ago and as much as I enjoyed going back in time with those songs, I also was humbled by a profound realization. Every single song on that mix was about me being lost…the lyrics were about owning who you are, finding love, finding your voice, loving your life, becoming the person you were meant to be. 

Growth happens over time and so gradually, that it feels subtle to the person experiencing it, most of the time. Yet, listening to those songs again, was a huge reminder of how far I’ve come. I am not perfect. Far from it, in fact, but I have worked hard to slay most of those dragons. I will always love the songs on that mix, but they are no longer my anthems. They are memories. They aren’t me anymore. 

I used so much energy not being good enough for so many years, it’s a wonder I accomplished anything. It has been difficult to see that I was the one blocking my path forward in many instances, but it felt incredible to listen to those songs and know that I have changed that. Stress and the unknown always make me want to sabatage again, but I’ve learned to see those triggers for what they are and I have strategies to avoid those old pitfalls. 

I am still learning and growing, I don’t think that will ever change. According to the dictionary, evolution is a gradual development, especially from something simple to more complex. I still have areas to develop, that’s for certain. I’m still learning to balance my work life and my artistic leanings. I’m still learning balance in romantic and family relationships. I’m still learning who I am as a writer and performer. However, none of that discounts how far I’ve come already. 

Maybe redemption has stories to tell. Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell. Where can you run to escape from yourself? Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go? Salvation is here. I dare you to move. 

Happy Easter Egg

I’m excited to be up in Buena Vista for a long weekend. I haven’t been up here since Labor Day of last year which is crazy. I sleep so well up here, but this morning I woke up with a headache because I wasn’t acclimated to the altitude. I just lounged today, which was a nice change of pace. Tomorrow I need to work on some homework and work on my wip. I’m trying to seduce my characters into showing their faces again. I had been blocked for so long…I need to get into their heads again.  I’ve been working on character exercises and I’m feeling more connected.

I’m also feeling nostalgic. Easter was such a big deal for my family. My mom’s side of the family boasted over one hundred people and we’d all convene in my grandma’s little Pepto Bismal Pink house. My brother and I would dye all the eggs every year. We would boil 5 or 6 dozen eggs and color for hours and hours. Now, one dozen seems like such a waste – we have them colored in no time! Easter makes me miss my grandma and what she symbolized in our family. You all agree that you’ll still get together after their gone but it soon falls apart. I remember thinking about this only hours after she had passes that things had already changed.

I’ll think about her as I’m dying eggs and at church on Sunday. I’ll miss her too! I guess I’ll have to distract myself with my elusive characters…