A lot of my value has been wrapped up in being a strong and independent person. I have learned over the last couple of years to ask for help in some small ways, but when I am really struggling, I dig in and play the “I’m fine”card.
In a couple of days we will move into the second half of 2018. This year has already been a rollercoaster of wonderful blessings and life-altering changes. It has been challenging to hold both realities. These last couple of weeks have been especially tumultuous.
When I have felt like I couldn’t breathe from the grief, my tribe has risen to hold my heart and soothe me with texts, emails, phone calls and visits. I had to laugh as one friend ignored me all together and brought groceries, despite my protests. Just sitting together, laughing and talking brought me so much joy and light. Each check in eases my burden bit by bit.
This wasn’t the summer I had planned for in many ways, but I am doing my best to listen to what I’m receiving. I haven’t been able to be out in the world much, but I’ve had the time to go inward and process my own world and the worlds I am building in a handful of stories.
I’m also learning to let people in more and accept more help. It doesn’t make me less valuable to be vulnerable, despite how uncomfortable it can make me. I know it is just a by-product of my broken heart. I have faith that it’ll be even stronger after it heals.
This is a line from one of my favorite Sex and the City episodes. Not only is it a brilliant episode in terms of the relationship between Carrie and Miranda, but it also is very fitting in terms of the stress I have been under in my relationships lately. Well…one relationship to be exact.
I have been working my tail off the last couple of weeks, trying to get all my school work done, turn in my final teaching portfolio and take over a fourth grade class for my clinical teacher who went on maternity leave. I haven’t been sleeping much or eating well…I haven’t been eating much at all. On top of all of it, I have been making myself crazy trying to understand a confusing relationship that I’m in.
I have been emotionally closed off to any visitors who made their way across the moat and who were brave enough to knock on the door of my heart. I have been working at healing old hurts since the beginning of the year, but I’m still having a difficult time being vulnerable and learning to trust again. I have been attempting to mend and stitch up my wounded soul – especially with one man.
We are more friends than anything, but I have really come to cherish the time we spend together. I thought for a couple of weeks that it would be best to tell him how I feel, even if it severs what I have worked so hard to build with him. This weekend, I realized that we are better as friends. Not only because of timing and circumstances, but because he is helping me to bridge the cavern I had created. He is the bridge to the future…he is helping me prepare for the man who is still on the way.
I am incredibly grateful to have him in my life. I’m a little scared to even be writing about this, but I’m committed to truth and being present in my life these last couple of months and these blogs are an extension of that as well. It makes these feelings of peace tangible to type them up and post them here.
Will I never feel that pang of desire again when I spend time with him? I don’t know. I think when you find someone you feel such extreme comfort and companionship with, wanting that feels natural. However, I know that he is here to offer me acceptance and caring friendship. That makes me feel lucky and at peace.
I’m learning to trust a man again. I am attempting to breathe and reboot. I might still crash, but at least I’m taking what he has to offer and finally coming to the realization that it is enough right now.