A lot of my value has been wrapped up in being a strong and independent person. I have learned over the last couple of years to ask for help in some small ways, but when I am really struggling, I dig in and play the “I’m fine”card.
In a couple of days we will move into the second half of 2018. This year has already been a rollercoaster of wonderful blessings and life-altering changes. It has been challenging to hold both realities. These last couple of weeks have been especially tumultuous.
When I have felt like I couldn’t breathe from the grief, my tribe has risen to hold my heart and soothe me with texts, emails, phone calls and visits. I had to laugh as one friend ignored me all together and brought groceries, despite my protests. Just sitting together, laughing and talking brought me so much joy and light. Each check in eases my burden bit by bit.
This wasn’t the summer I had planned for in many ways, but I am doing my best to listen to what I’m receiving. I haven’t been able to be out in the world much, but I’ve had the time to go inward and process my own world and the worlds I am building in a handful of stories.
I’m also learning to let people in more and accept more help. It doesn’t make me less valuable to be vulnerable, despite how uncomfortable it can make me. I know it is just a by-product of my broken heart. I have faith that it’ll be even stronger after it heals.
Trust, faith and surrender. Three seemingly little words that weigh heavy on my heart. Three things I am being called to do, but I’m so bad at them. They are clearly one of my major life lessons, that is for sure.
The universe keeps reminding me to chill out and live in the moment. It whispers in my ear, day and night,”You’re exactly where you need to be, it will all work out, trust me.” Somehow, my heart is still troubled and riddled with worry. I’ve tried all my new-agey tricks to calm it, however I’m still crazy with doubt.
I’m also being tested in terms of my commitment, work ethic and determination. It’s so easy for me to leave and retreat into my thoughts, into a daydream of how it will all be butterflies and flowers some day. The fantasy of the perfect relationship, the opportunity to write all day in my glorious treehouse office…yet, I’ve read enough writer blogs to know that even when I get to write all day and pay the bills with my art – not everything will be butterflies and flowers. Roses still have thorns and it doesn’t serve me to imagine how perfect everything will be then.
There are good/bad things to every situation and I know that even though I can’t see the good in this yet that it does exist. I just have to keep my head down and do the work. I was on a conference call with Jack Canfield once, the creator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books and he talked about how he would tell himself that all his hard work would pay off in the end. That eventually he would be able to take time to enjoy himself, but to keep working hard in the meantime.
I’m trying to have the same attitude. I’ll still try to have some fun, cheap fun, but fun nonetheless as often as I can, but I have a lot of work in front of me that needs my attention and commitment right now.
This seems like a rambly post, but it helped me to feel more sane to get it out of my head and onto the page. Thanks for listening cyber-space. See you soon.