What Are You Expecting?

Today has been a weird day. For all intents and purposes it’s been a great day. I spent time with people I really care about. I had fun. I ate good food, watched a movie and laughed a lot. Yet, I found myself crying on the way home. I was a blubbering mess when I got up to my house. I wasn’t going to write about it, but I think it might be the best thing for me to do.

Human nature and emotions are fascinating to me. I am extremely grateful for the love I have in my life and my blessings, but even being surrounded by those loved ones today left me lonely for something I can’t even describe accurately. Sometimes, it’s the emotions lurking in the background that take me by surprise.

I went to an estate sale and got some great vintage wigs for performances. As I walked through the half-priced leftovers of someone’s life, I was overcome with questions. Why did they have thousands of wigs from the seventies? Why did they have hundreds of pieces of costume jewelry or bags of motel soap? What will be behind at the end of my life? What might someone be sifting through in my dusty garage?

I have been trying to understand my own emptiness today and I think I can pin it to expectations. I am struggling to find the balance of having realistic expectations and holding excitement for the possibilities of what is still to come. I want to stay present, just embrace what I am experiencing, yet I keep looking back today. I am dissecting every tiny detail, looking for the cracks, but I realize I can’t get perspective tonight. I may not have some perspective on this for a while. That needs to be okay. I also might cry again, but that’s okay too. I am feeling what ever demands my attention these days, even if I don’t understand it.

I hope sometime down the line, I will look back and it will seem clear.

Wichita Lineman

I haven’t blogged in forever. It has been busy – some good, some bad. I start a second job tomorrow and won’t have much time, so I thought I better blog tonight. My ballot is in, and I am ready to get to it! I will be at work on Tuesday night and won’t know what happened until the end, which in all honesty might be better.

I decided to try Nanowrimo again (National Novel Writing Month) – how I am going to do it, I have no idea, but I am going to try.

I had the most remarkable time in the mountains with my favorite writer chicks, Sam and Lisa. It was just what I needed on so many levels. Amazingly, the universe has sent all three of us miracles since we parted, like it was recognizing what we experienced together and urging us to keep working.

I have been very emotional today, in a beautiful way. Just touched by things and then the water comes flooding to my eyes. My mom bought the new James Taylor CD called “Covers”. There is a song called “Wichita Lineman” and it is the best version of it I have ever heard. I have always loved that song, but I have a new appreciation for it tonight.

As it was playing, she told us that it has always reminded her of my dad. He said it reminded him of her as well. Before I was born my dad used to travel all the time for his job with the airport. He wasn’t a “lineman” per say, but that song is definitely a reflection of what his life was like at the time.

One line, in a masterfully written song, will now forever bring tears to my eyes because it isn’t just a beautiful line anymore – it is my parents and one sentence makes sense of their life together and their love.

“I need you more than want you, and I want you for all time.”

Now, my parents have had their share of hard times and heartache, but their love for each other is a rare and romantic thing that we usually only see in the movies.

They are my Johnny and June, and I worry that when one passes, the other won’t be far behind. Their love story is one of my best stories and I am asked to tell it often. It is a lot to live up to, but it has shaped me in that I know love like that is real.

I am not sure what my life’s love will look like or even what his name is, but that song lyric describes how I will feel.