What Are You Expecting?

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Today has been a weird day. For all intents and purposes it’s been a great day. I spent time with people I really care about. I had fun. I ate good food, watched a movie and laughed a lot. Yet, I found myself crying on the way home. I was a blubbering mess when I got up to my house. I wasn’t going to write about it, but I think it might be the best thing for me to do.

Human nature and emotions are fascinating to me. I am extremely grateful for the love I have in my life and my blessings, but even being surrounded by those loved ones today left me lonely for something I can’t even describe accurately. Sometimes, it’s the emotions lurking in the background that take me by surprise.

I went to an estate sale and got some great vintage wigs for performances. As I walked through the half-priced leftovers of someone’s life, I was overcome with questions. Why did they have thousands of wigs from the seventies? Why did they have hundreds of pieces of costume jewelry or bags of motel soap? What will be behind at the end of my life? What might someone be sifting through in my dusty garage?

I have been trying to understand my own emptiness today and I think I can pin it to expectations. I am struggling to find the balance of having realistic expectations and holding excitement for the possibilities of what is still to come. I want to stay present, just embrace what I am experiencing, yet I keep looking back today. I am dissecting every tiny detail, looking for the cracks, but I realize I can’t get perspective tonight. I may not have some perspective on this for a while. That needs to be okay. I also might cry again, but that’s okay too. I am feeling what ever demands my attention these days, even if I don’t understand it.

I hope sometime down the line, I will look back and it will seem clear.

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