Today, less than four blocks from my job, I was in an accident. An elderly gentleman ran a stop sign. The car in front of me slammed on it’s brakes and barely missed him. I had nowhere to go, but into the back of the car in front of me. Completely oblivious, the elderly gentleman continued to sail through the intersection and away from the scene with no consequences for what he just caused to happen.
We were all okay, thank God. I have a slight burn on my wrist from the airbag steam and a mark that will be a bruise tomorrow from the seat belt. I am typing this right now in my tiny clown car of a rental.
I am sick with grief. July has been the month from hell. Not just for me, but for nearly everyone I love. Car accidents, speeding tickets, Internet and check fraud, pet death, muggings, even a miscarriage.
Can it stop now. Please…any one in charge out there in the universe… this is about as much as I can take.
Today, after the accident, riding with my mom – I lost it. I was crying so hard, it was almost too much to breathe. She reached over and put her hand on my knee and said, “We will get through this, all of it. It will be alright.”
I asked her if she was ready to give me away. She loving teased, “Not yet.” I told her I wouldn’t hold it against her if she changed her mind.
She reminded me that love isn’t just for the happy times, it’s for the rough spots too, when you feel like the world is caving in around you like quick sand and all the ropes are really snakes. Thank God for love in the sandpit.
My best friend has called to check in all day and make sure I wasn’t hanging off the side of a building or walking out into oncoming traffic. I have never been suicidal, I am too much a “what if it all got brighter the next day” kind of person, but today sitting on the side of the road with the radiator fluid running all through the street – my heart had really had enough… but then I thought this is what the bottom of the barrel must look like. I have been here before and some how I made my way out, so I will do it again. I live to die another day I guess. I asked my mom to shoot me, to put us all out of our misery and she told me matter of fact like, “She didn’t have the money for a funeral at the moment” So I guess I better stick around.
Some times life sucks so bad it is unbearable to see the light ahead. The night is always darkest just before dawn… it has to get better… right?